Footballer Needing Love - Sebastian Larsson

This Swede’s got needs and they’re not being fulfilled at St Andrews anymore, especially not in the Championship, so it’s time for him to find pastures new.  But who’s going to be the club that gets his pulses racing again?  Let’s find out… 

Sebastian Larsson – Birmingham City

Seb has been one of The Blues’ main men for the best part of five years now, but their squabbles over money and Birmingham’s shock departure from the Premier League means that the couple have split in pretty acrimonious circumstances.  A love affair that started when Birmingham were Seb’s bit on the side from Arsenal seemed to be at its peak last year when the team impressed in their first season back in the top flight with Mr Larsson at the heart of things in their midfield.  It’s very much over now though as his contract has finished and Alex McLeish has well and truly put his things in bin liners and thrown them out of the bedroom window.  There will be no shortage of admirers of the Sweden international though, and expect his future to be back in the Premier League, but the question is, who will woo him their way???

Newcastle United???

Since January, when Seb’s relationship with Birmingham seemed to be on the rocks, Newcastle have been sniffing around looking to pounce.  The Magpies’ midfield is without doubt the best part of their team, with some real quality in there with the likes of Nolan, Barton and at times Gutierrez, but if there was a gap to fill it would be on the right flank.  If our man were to fill that whole and play alongside the three I’ve mentioned and also Tiote, who has been very impressive, then Alan Pardew really does have a top-class midfield on his hands.  It’s tempting to say that he will have at least one striker at the top of his priorities list, but with Seb available on a free it might be too good an opportunity to turn down.  Could there be love in the air on Tyneside???

Bolton Wanderers???

The Trotters had a very strange season in the end as they were lauded as a great team for most of it, but ended up finishing way down in 14^th after competing in the top half for the majority of the campaign.  One reason for this slump in form which was banded about was the loss to a horrific injury of creative midfielder Stuart Holden.  I’m not sure this was the only reason for the loss of form, but it can’t have helped and Owen Coyle won’t want this to happen again so bringing in Seb will provide competition for places and excellent cover if a similar situation occurs again.  Our man certainly suits Coyle’s passing style of football, and it will suit Seb after the long ball tactics at Birmingham, I’m sure he’ll enjoy getting back to his more Arsenal-like footballing roots.  It seems like a pretty good match to me, but will there be romance at the Reebok???

Queens Park Rangers???

Who’s this attractive young thing strutting her stuff in the Premier League all of a sudden, why it’s Queens Park Rangers.  Top Flight viewers might not have seen QPR for a while, but they return to the Premier League a wholly different proposition as a very wealthy and powerful club.  They won’t be splashing the cash a la Manchester City, but they will be able to compete with wages like no other newly promoted club, so attractive free agents, like Seb, might be just what Neil Warnock will be looking for.  It really depends on how Warnock is going to go about his task in the Premier League as you could say that with Taarabt and Routledge he doesn’t need any more forward thinking midfielders, or you could think that adding Larsson to that list would make them a formidable attacking force.  I think it’s certainly a match that could work, and it wouldn’t surprise me if it happened, but I just don’t think it’s the most likely.

So who’s caught our single man’s attention and are swapping numbers as we speak???

As I have said there will be plenty of interest in Seb as he is one of the highest quality free agents that you are likely to come across, and don’t rule out a move abroad for our man.  However, I’m going to match him to one of these three, and to be honest there isn’t much difference between the clubs and I shouldn’t think they’ll be finishing too far apart by the end of next season.  I would suggest that of the three though, it is Bolton who are the most progressive and if they sign the likes of Seb and Daniel Sturridge, then they will be competing in the top half again as they have been for the majority of the season just gone.  This is why I’m going to get Seb involved with them, because I really rate him highly as a player and think they’ll be a highly successful couple.  Come on now Mr Coyle, send him some flowers and ask him out for dinner.

Footballer Needing Love - Scott Parker

Football Matchmaker returns with a bang as the man who has become the Championship’s most sought after star is going to be fixed up.  There’s many a Premier League lothario that would love to take Scott back to meet their parents, but only one can achieve it, who will it be?

Scott Parker – West Ham United

If there has ever been one player that has not deserved to finish bottom of the Premier League then it is our man Scott.  His performances have seen him become a regular in the England squad over the last year and earn him the Football Writers Association Footballer of the Year prize.  There is still some love there between him and The Hammers as well, but a divorce settlement is going to suit them both financially and the end of the relationship is all but guaranteed.  The question is which of the many suitors for Scott are going to get lucky in the seedy disco that is the transfer window?

At thirty-years-old, Scotty might not be the long term prospect that some clubs might be after, but he’s still got a few years in him yet and there won’t be many of his quality around that will be available as cheaply, with The Iron desperately needing to cut their wage bill.  I’m sure you don’t need much help in looking for love Scott, but I’m going to give it you anyway…

Tottenham Hotspur???

Harry Redknapp has been lusting over Scotty for some time now, and like many a wannabe-wag is ready to pounce on the end of a relationship to get his man.  The rumour mill was whirring away with the speculation that Redknapp tried to bring in Scott last summer, and it is unlikely his interest has diminished over time.  The Spurs midfield is absolutely packed with talent, but it lacks a certain something that Mr Parker may well be able to provide.  The role that Scott would fulfil is, on occasion, filled by Wilson Palacios, who looked very promising when signed from Wigan but has proved a bit of a disappointment since and has only made 18 appearances this season.  I certainly think that Scotty would be an upgrade in this department, providing energy, drive, bite in the tackle and the odd goal much better than the Honduran, and would be the perfect foil for Luka Modric. With constant competition for places at Spurs though, you fear that Scott might not quite get all the games he deserves, and that could put him off a move across London to

White Hart Lane

.  If ‘Arry does fancy him as much as he seems though, it could just be a match made in heaven.

Arsenal???

Well this would be as surprising a match as Mr Douglas and Miss Zeta-Jones, but you never know, could prove to be as much of a winner.  Scott is certainly not Arsene’s type as he is not under-22, foreign and lacking the desire to win games.  However, the fact he is the opposite of those things means that he is exactly what The Gunners need, in what is a hugely important summer for the club.  Wenger really needs to make some big decisions during this window, does he continue with his failing protégés? Or does he revamp the spine of the team?  Well, in my eyes he needs to come out of his mid-life crisis when he constantly wanted the youngest models and accept that he needs some experience in the team, not just in central midfield, but that’s a start.  Scotty might not have the pure footballing talent of some of the Arsenal squad, but he brings every facet that they lack to the party.  He might not look like Cheryl Cole, but he cooks up a bloody good Shepherds Pie, happily watches Sky Sports and is excellent in bed.  Arsene Wenger, you know that’s what you want.  

Liverpool???

With the Dalglish revolution likely to be boosted with another large cash injection in the summer, there are certainly going to be some new relationships forged on Merseyside.  The form Liverpool showed in the second half of the season showed that they are going to be contenders again next year, and it will only take a couple of really good signings to give them a real chance of challenging for the title.  But is central midfield really the position they need to improve?  Meireles, Lucas, Maxi and Spearing have all considerably improved under Kenny and will all justifiably be aggrieved if they are to lose their place to a new boy.  The only midfield men that haven’t shone since the return of the King are the biggest names in the squad list, Steven Gerrard and Joe Cole, and you would think, Gerrard at least, will be given some more playing time next term.  Another time, this pair might have been a dream match, but it looks like The Reds just have too many other love interests at the minute.  This is unless Dalglish is harbouring some strong adulterous feelings for Scott, which we can’t rule out, as he possesses qualities that Kenny will value.  The quandaries of love…

So who is it that’s going to be combing Scott’s side parting for him in the mornings next season???

The three potential destinations I’ve offered up for Scott show the quality that the man possesses, and if he wanted to I’m sure he could walk into near enough any Premier League, but which one is best suited for him?  There’s no question that getting into bed with any of these three would be a much more enjoyable experience that the constant disappointment that has been his time at Upton Park, so it’s a win-win situation for Scott really.  What I really like the idea of, and who I’m going to match him up with is a move to The Emirates with Arsenal.  If he is not the only signing, and they bring in a central defender and another striker of similar ilk, then they will be strong contenders again for the title.  Going to Arsenal and being a key part in turning them back into genuine challengers and even title winners would be an incredible last stage of Scott’s career, which has been too long spent at clubs not winning trophies.  So come on Arsene, wake up and smell the coffee and realise what your team needs to improve, because our man Scotty won’t be on the market for long.

Double-Barrelled Dynamos

The poshest sounding team that could be assembled?

                                        Yves Makabu-Makalambay 


Lathanial Rowe-Turne   Mathias Kouo-Doumbé   Troy Archibald-Henville   Benoit Assou Ekotto

Shaun Wright-Phillips   Nigel Reo-Coke   Marc Bridge-Wilkinson    Jamal Campbell-Ryce

                                           Sylvan Ebanks-Blake          Craig Mckail-Smith

Manager André Villas-Boas

Subs: Alex Oxlaide-Chamberlain, Reuben Noble-Lazarus, Danzelle St Louis-Hamilton, Hal Robson-Kanu, Bradley Wright-Phillips, Brian Barry-Murphy, Gary Taylor-Fletcher 

The Transfer Window Rated - Part 3

So here’s the final instalment, the last bundle of new couples that I take a look at before I return to contemplating potential future moves again until the summer. Enjoy, it’ll be a while before this happens again.

Luis Suarez – Ajax to Liverpool £23 million

The only way to cheer yourself up when you lose your latino lover is to go out and get a new one straight away, and that’s exactly what King Kenny has done.  Dalglish decided to spend around half of the proceeds from the divorce settlement with Torres on Uruguayan sensation Luis Suarez.  Some potential suitors may have been put off after his goal-line handball in the World Cup quarter-final somewhat overshadowed his impressive tournament, but Liverpool have rightly, I would say, concentrated on his impressive goal return more than anything else.  81 goals in 110 games for Ajax really is an incredible achievement, and his goal scoring has been consistently good at all his three previous clubs and for the national side.  There have been a few relationships forged after players have looked particularly attractive in the Eredivisie that have failed spectacularly, however there have been one or two that have blossomed.  Luis is a natural goal-scorer, and given that he is only 24 he has plenty of time to adapt to English football, which shouldn’t take him long given his vast experience for such a young player.  I think the match to really get excited about here is Luis with Andy Carroll, I for one am excited.

Match Rating: 9/10

David Luiz – Benfica to Chelsea £21.3m plus Nemanja matic

As Torres’ move stole all the headlines, the expensive acquisition of David Luiz by Chelsea has been much less publicised than perhaps it should have been.  Ancelotti has brought in one of the hottest young central defenders around, and that is reflected by the hefty price tag he has wielded.  It may seem like I am judging a book by its cover, but it isn’t just David’s daft curly hair that is similar to Carlos Puyol.  Strong, agile and committed he could well go on to be as important to Chelsea as Puyol has been for Barca.  It does sound a lot to be paying for someone who hasn’t played in a really top league, but he’s only 23 and he is going to get better and better.  It all makes sense if you ask me, and finally Chelsea buy someone who isn’t over 25 so won’t have to replace them so soon.

Match Rating: 9/10

Obafemi Martins – Rubin Kazan to Birmingham City - loan

When Oba looks back at his list of ex’s it is a list that is getting longer and more varied by the season.  After his first love Inter Milan cast him aside, he came to England with Newcastle, and since leaving them has had short, meaningless relationships with Wolfsburg and Rubin Kazan and now finds himself at Birmingham City.  The reason Oba gave for wanting to leave Russia so quickly was he wanted to be closer to his family following the birth of his son, so maybe this time this relationship has some solid foundations to build on.  As far as if he is a good match for the club, the jury is well and truly still out.  The Blues, don’t score many goals, at all, and so it is no surprise that they want to bring in a man who has scored regularly wherever he has played.  However, the only goals they do ever score are from set pieces crossed in to a big man in the box, or occasionally Craig Gardner pouncing on a loose ball in the area.  Whether  they can create chances for Oba to put away is debateable, but his pace will certainly improve the chances of this.  With Bentley, Larsson, Ferguson and Bowyer in their midfield they do have passers of the ball, so maybe they can change their ways, we will wait and see…

Match  Rating: 5/10

Roque Santa Cruz – Manchester City to Blackburn Rovers – loan

The first man I ever tried to match-make, and I certainly didn’t predict a return to his old stomping ground of Ewood Park.  This further proves that the new clothes their Indian investors have bought them really have made Rovers look a whole lot more attractive.  There is little or no chance that Big Sam would have been able to lure Roque back to Blackburn with his style of play, but under the new regime it became a possibility.  This pairing has obviously worked in the past as Roque’s previous spell at Ewood was hugely successful and easily the most prolific, in terms of goals, of his career.  However, going back is never easy, and the pain of the wounds left by the initial break-up may never be healed.  Whether this relationship can blossom is completely down to Roque himself.  After his performances for Rovers last time he saw himself as quite the catch and believed he belonged with an A-list girl like Man. City, however he has been proven wrong, very wrong.  If he has realised this and will settle for playing for an average Premier League team then it could work, if he scores a couple and starts demanding the world again it will not.

Match Rating: 7/10

Conor Sammon – Kilmarnock to Wigan Athletic – undisclosed (around £600k)

I can hear a huge sigh of relief all round as I finally get to the new couple that everyone has been waiting for, don’t dare to suggest I’d forgotten about Conor Sammon’s move to Wigan.  He might not be the biggest name moving in or out of the Premier League last month, but he was developing quite a reputation north of the border, banging in the goals for Killy.  The young Irishman had bagged 17 in 25 games before Roberto Martinez snapped him up for what could turn out to be a real bargain price.  This is, despite the low cost, still a big gamble though.  Conor has only really hit scoring form this season with his last two campaigns in Scotland yielding only 3 and 4 goals.  This would be understandable if he was 17 or 18 at the time but he is now 24, and past the raw development stage you would think.  If he can continue his scoring form and adapt to the higher standard of English football quickly then it could be a useful signing because Rodellega aside, Wigan’s strikers are less than inspiring.  If it means that we never have to watch Franco Di Santo again then it is also a plus.

Match rating: 6/10

John Carew – Aston Villa to Stoke – loan

I didn’t quite get this one right when originally sorting big John out with a date, but I was very close indeed, with the Potters being in my top three choices.  The only reason I plumped for Blackburn at the time was the presence of Mr. Allardyce, without which I would have gone for Stoke all day long.  It really is a match made in heaven as Tony Pulis’ blueprint of a perfect striker is big, strong, mobile and powerful.  John is without a doubt all these things and the potential of him and similarly built Kenwyne Jones have to bully defences is untold.  This could well be my favourite match of them all:

Match Rating 10/10

Andy Reid – Sunderland to Blackpool

Did Ian Holloway move a bit too quickly by securing a new lover before his divorce papers were signed, sealed and delivered?  Everyone expected Charlie Adam to be on his way out of Bloomfield Road at some point during January, whether it was to Liverpool, Villa or the two late contenders Spurs or Manchester United.  That’s why no one was surprised to see a talented creative midfield player being brought in at Blackpool to seemingly replace the Scottish international.  However, Charlie didn’t leave and are there now too many cooks spoiling a midfield broth on the west coast?  I don’t think so myself, and in fact I think you can’t have enough high quality players in your team and I certainly rate Andy as a high quality player.  The way Holloway sets his team out as well shows that having players that create chances and score goals themselves will fit right in to his plans.  It might not have been exactly what was planned, but I think this relationship will work just fine.

Match Rating: 8/10

Demba Ba – Hoffenheim to West Ham United - undisclosed

Part of Avram Grant’s strike force revolution along with Robbie Keane in order to save the Hammers’ season and fire them up the league.  I’m not so sure that this in fact will come to fruition, but can Demba make an impact at Upton Park and forge a successful relationship in East London?  He has a decent scoring record throughout his career and has pace and power which will equip him well in the Premier League, it will certainly be a step up for him though.  The Bundesliga is obviously a good standard, but not up to English levels, and he only has eight international caps for Senegal and so is unproven on that stage as well.  This doesn’t mean he won’t turn into a very good player for West Ham, but their perilous situation at the bottom of the table may well not allow him the time to develop in the first team.  However, their situation could also allow him to become an instant hero for the Hammers if he scores two or three goals to pinch some crucial points.  I think this is a distinct possibility…

Match Rating: 7/10

El Hadji Diouf – Blackburn Rovers to Rangers – loan

Let’s all rejoice, dance in the streets and praise the day that El Hadji Diouf has finally left the English game and we don’t have to watch his despicable antics anymore.  Maybe I’m being harsh, it isn’t every week that the man causes football managers, players and fans to hate him, but it is on an irritatingly regular basis.  What happens on an irritatingly irregular basis, for fans of any of his former clubs, is him scoring any goals.  24 goals in 136 games for Bolton, 0 in 16 for Sunderland and 4 in 62 at Blackburn, totalling 63 goals in 410 career appearances.  It is a shocking return from someone that has played at very least as an advanced winger, if not as a central striker.  Scotland, then, could well be a perfect place for someone who has failed to score regularly in England as it has been for many other forwards.  Whether he can deal with the harsh treatment he is almost certain to receive north of the border is under question though.  His underlying talent might just shine through in Glasgow though as he faces much less talented defenders.  I’m just glad to see him leave.

Match Rating 8/10

Steve Sidwell – Aston Villa to Fulham

Steve left his loving girlfriend Reading back in 2007, and could well have been regretting it ever since.  Chelsea were always way out of his league and that was never going to work.  Aston Villa looked like more of a match, but it just didn’t quite work out there, so now, can Fulham prove to be his saviour as his love life continues to falter?  Quite possibly so I think.  Fulham have been pretty dull this season, but also pretty unlucky in some of their performances and also with a fair amount of injuries.  Without such things they are a pretty good side that Mark Hughes could well restore to the top half level that Roy Hodgson had them playing at.  Sidwell and Murphy in the middle of midfield looks like a very solid option and could well prove effective for the Cottagers.

Match Rating: 7/10

The Transfer Window Rated - Part 2

Ready for round two of the top thirty January transfers? I bloody well am…

Fernando Torres – Liverpool to Chelsea £50 million

Not many couples can say that it has cost a British transfer record for them to be brought together, but in the case of El Nino and The Blues, it is cold hard fact.  A whopping fifty million quid saw Chelsea dive head first back into the transfer market to get their man, and set tongues a wagging on the dating scene everywhere.  Fernando’s relationship at Liverpool had been looking strained for a while, but most thought the marriage counselling of King Kenny was going to be enough to make it work.  However, Nando most likely couldn’t understand him and so jumped ship to shack up with fellow man from the Med Ancelotti.  There is no doubt he’ll score goals, but can he fit in to a system at Chelsea.  They usually play one up (Drogba) with two advanced wide men (Anelka & Malouda) so this can’t continue as neither Drog or Nando will play wide, and both must surely play.  So that means 4-4-2, with Anelka in behind, Malouda somewhere in the middle, Lampard getting old and Sturridge at Bolton.  It all makes perfect sense.  This certainly has the makings of a cracking couple, but until they work out their issues, it’s a…

Match Rating 7/10

Darren Bent – Sunderland to Aston Villa £18-24 million

With the Andy Carroll move, everyone has forgotten the initial raging debate about overpriced English strikers that was kicked off by the sordid love triangle involving Darren Bent, Steve Bruce and Gerard Houllier.  It did seem that Gerard had gone to extreme lengths to get his man, but as has been pointed out numerous times, only Drogba and Rooney have scored more than “the dazzler” in the last three years in the Prem.  So it’s not a gamble in the sense that Liverpool have taken, and in fact could prove out to be a masterful move from Houllier.  Darren has been like the girl who in every way is nice looking, but for some reason you just don’t really fancy, ticks all the boxes on paper, but for some reason just doesn’t excite.  He is quick, strong and most importantly scores loads of goals, but when someone spends big on him everyone is shocked.  I think it’s time for Darren to finally be recognised as one of the top English strikers around, and this new relationship could just make that happen, so…

Match Rating 10/10

Robbie Keane – Tottenham Hotspur to West Ham United – loan

I did try and sort Robbie out earlier in the year, but to be honest I’d expected a move to a team a little higher up the table than the Hammers.  However, Robbie might have become a little high maintenance for some clubs in terms of wages, and might have limited his own options a bit.  Upton Park is certainly still a good place for him to be though if he is going to be playing regularly, which is all he really wants.  You can obviously see why Avram has brought him in, because he has undoubted quality, but West Ham’s problems are at the back, not upfront, so it is odd he has prioritised strikers over defenders.  How they’ll fit in Cole, Piquionne, Obinna and Keane in I’m not sure, so this match just gets a…

Match Rating 6/10

Daniel Sturridge – Chelsea to Bolton Wanderers – loan

With Fernando coming in, it would have been a waste of time for Danny to sit on the bench for the rest of the season with even less hope of game time than he already had at Stamford Bridge.  He looks like a really promising talent, with all the attributes you want from a striker, but no one has seen it enough during his Chelsea career.  A loan move is perfect for him, but is Bolton the perfect match?  Coyle has been fairly set on Elmander and Davies all season, but this may have been due to lack of other options and the Swede has dropped off from the blistering form he showed early season, so having another striker around could be very useful to mix things up where they have become stale.  Danny isn’t guaranteed a starting place every game at the Reebok, but he will get a few, especially if he keeps scoring as he did on his debut against Wolves.  This could finally be when we see the coming of age of a future England star.  It might only be a short-term fling, but it could spice up his career and Bolton’s season, so…

Match Rating – 8/10

Eidur Gudjohnsen – Stoke City to Fulham – loan

Pretty much anywhere would have done for Eidur this January as he looked to escape from the worst partner he’d ever got involved with.  He’s a wine bar man, Stoke want to go down the pub, he wants a bit of Vivaldi, Stoke won’t turn off Status Quo, he wants to indulge in the latest fashion trends, Stoke call him a daft Icelandic ponce.  Maybe I went too far, but you get the picture.  It just wasn’t a good match, but is Fulham?  Mark Hughes has struggled for strikers so far this season, but Andy Johnson looks like he’s getting back up to speed, and Dembele is looking good so with Eidur around as well, things are looking a whole lot better for Sparky.  Eidur can drop into midfield as well where him and Danny Murphy could be a very creative force.  I like this move so it’s getting a …

Match rating 8/10

James Beattie – Rangers to Blackpool – loan

Another man looking to put an end to an unhappy relationship is James, who’s foray northwards never really got going as it turned out he didn’t have a thing for Scottish gals at all.  On paper it sounded a dream move, decent Premier League striker move to one of the Old Firm to score shed loads of goals, but no such luck, so he’s back to join Ian Holloway’s rapidly growing collection of strikers.  It certainly doesn’t seem like a bad match to me.  Blackpool’s style of play means that they never fail to create chances and James when he’s on form will rarely fail to put them away.  It also seems like it’s a good old laugh playing football at Blackpool, so if he’s fallen out of love with the game at all it might be just the place for him to get all sentimental again, I like it. The only problem is he will have to compete with a fair number of fellow frontmen who are vying for Ollie’s attention, which takes this match down a notch to…

Match Rating 8/10

Carlos Vela – Arsenal to West Brom – loan

Here’s a stat they may or may not surprise: at 21-years-old, Carlos Vela has made less league appearances than he has caps for Mexico and has scored less goals for the Gunners than he has for his national side.  Now, the quality of the Mexican side isn’t world beating, but even so, you’d expect someone who’s picked up 33 caps by the age of 21 to be making an impact in the Premier League, but he just doesn’t get the game time.  He has already been on loan to Salamanca and Osasuna, but now, for the first time we’re going to see Carlos on a regular basis in the Prem, and I think it might be a treat.  As far as matches for this short-term affair go, I don’t think there’s many better than West Brom, they play attractive, passing football and they are short of a striker so he’s guaranteed games.  I think this is an excellent move all round and a little gem of a match-make…

Match rating: 10/10

Sulley Muntari – Inter Milan to Sunderland – loan

Looks like a good bit of transfer window work from Stevie B here, consoling him just a little for losing his main striker.  Sulley might not have been starting every game at Inter, but he has clocked up over sixty appearances in Milan since his move from Portsmouth in 2008, and he certainly played his part in the historic treble win last year.  He’s a domineering midfielder who at his best can be immense both defending and going forward.  He is a bit tempestuous though and can be seen heading for an early bath more often than he perhaps should be.  If him and Lee Cattermole team up in the middle of midfield I’d be offering evens at best on someone seeing red, and I am just glad Sunderland have already played Newcastle twice, because those two up against Nolan and Barton is more for tag-team WWE than the Premier League.  The presence of fellow Ghanaian Asamoah Gyan at the club must surely have worked in Bruce’s favour as he looked to woo Sulley his way and their friendship might just help him settle in quicker.  It’s difficult to say how much impact he’s going to make, but I’m sure it will be a positive one…

Match Rating; 6/10

Jermaine Jones – Schalke 04 to Blackburn Rovers – loan

I’ll be brutally honest here, I don’t know a fat lot about Jermaine Jones.  There, I’ve said it.  But I do know he’s just forged a new relationship in Lancashire with those newly done up, quite weirdly attractive looking now, Blackburn Rovers.  Thanks to some Indian inspired beauty treatment Rovers have become quite the catch, and Jones is the latest step in their transformation.  Steve Kean is building a new team as he looks to stamp his authority at Ewood and Jermaine is part of his vision.  Another part is moving Morten Gamst Pederson to a more central role as a playmaker, which leaves the midfield somewhat lightweight in the middle, and so Jermaine is in there almost as his bodyguard.  It’s a plan, and a plan that just might work, and being part of a plan has got to fellow good for the German-American hybrid.

Match rating: 8/10

Curtis Davies – Aston Villa to Birmingham – Undisclosed

It’s like Phil Mitchell’s mrs running off with Ian Beale, or 

Harry Potter’s gal getting off with Lord Voldemort or Tom’s lady friend jumping in to bed with Jerry (that one’s a bit weird) but you get the picture, Curtis Davies has moved from one team to their bitterest of rivals.  However, maybe this isn’t so bad, Liam Ridgewell did it and Craig Gardner did it and they are enjoying great success at St. Andrews, playing every week and being key parts of the team.  So can Curtis achieve similar results?  Well it seems he has a limited time period to do so, as he is being brought in to cover the loss of Scott Dann to a season ending injury.  If Curtis can catch his new boss’s eye enough before Dann returns then he might just convince him that he is the man for him.  If Dann heals before Curtis has sufficiently impressed, then it’s back to the Championship on loan for you sir.  So we shall wait and see, for now…

Match rating: 6/10

So there’s part two for you, I hope your enjoying this little review I’m putting together because there’s one more instalment to come, where I go through the last ten of my favourite moves of January.  Thanks for reading.

The Transfer Window Rated - Part 1

So the month-long period of insanity that is the January transfer window is over and any potential couples will now have to wait till July to get paired up.  However there were plenty of relationships forged over the month, and no expense was spared in bringing together what will hopefully prove to be a whole host of loving partners.  In a three part extravaganza I look at 30 of the biggest deals from January that showed that romance is not dead and clubs will still do almost anything to get their man.  So in no particular order, here we go…………

Andy Carroll - Newcastle United to Liverpool £35million

Well I said no particular order, but I thought I’d start with arguably the most shocking match-up of the window, certainly by way of price.  Few would have predicted at the start of the season that a man who previously had next to no Premier League experience would be moving to Liverpool for a British record transfer fee just six months later.  Few would also have predicted quite the impact he has had in the top division, but even so it is still just impact, you would surely think that it would have to move onto sustained, consistent performances before he could warrant such a fee.  He is also struggling with a persistent thigh injury which is worrying for such a young player, and his off-field antics could well put some clubs off.  However, all these things considered, he is still a very good player, and has the potential to be a prolific goal scorer for both Liverpool and England.  There is no way he won’t get games due to the enormous transfer fee, and with fellow new signing Luis Suarez, there is potential for a lethal partnership.  There will be of course pressure for this relationship to succeed, but he’ll be given all the time and help he needs for the love to blossom.  There is little argument against the price being too high, but based on the match itself I reckon:

Match Rating – 8/10

Edin Dzeko – Wolfsburg to Manchester City £27million

Another big striker moving for big money, but this one raised much fewer eyebrows than Mr. Carroll’s move.  Firstly because Edin has been a target few numerous clubs for some time and is, in comparison to Carroll, very much proven, certainly 66 goals in 111 games for Wolfsburg is an impressive track record in a very competitive league.  Nearly all foreign imports struggle when arriving in the Premier League, but he is of a mould that should adapt quickly.  Big, strong, robust, good at linking up and most importantly he can finish, which is what will endear him to the City faithful most of all.  The potential of Dzeko and Tevez as a front two is unbridled and as Mancini looks to finally put an end to City’s recruitment drive the pair are likely to get a lot of playing time together.  On paper an almost perfect big man/little man tandem and playing two up could put an end to accusations of negativity so often levelled at Mancini. It sounds like a match made in heaven, so for these reasons…

Match Rating 9/10

Stephen Pienaar – Everton to Tottenham Hotspur £3million

One of the undoubted bargains of the transfer window was the capture of the South African midfield dynamo that is Stephen Pienaar.  Obviously it was the impending end of his contract that created such a knock-down price, and I promise this is the only value comparison to Andy Carroll I will do, but Pienaar is not less than a tenth the player of the big Geordie.  He is certainly a very good player, but he has moved to a team that has a wealth of very good players in very similar positions to his own.  He is unlikely to get a game on the wing due to the presence of Bale and Lennon, van der Vaart plays just off the striker so that position is out of reach, and Luka Modric will certainly not be losing his place as deep-lying playmaker.  There is one more spot left in midfield, but not even the attack-minded Redknapp would deploy five offensive midfielders at once, so that position is for Palacios or Huddlestone.  Considering Niko Kranjcar and Jermaine Jenas havn’t even been mentioned yet shows just how severe the competition is.  It could be the case that Stephen feels there’s more than two of them in this relationship and it’s not the mother-in-law that’s the problem, so because of this…

Match Rating 5/10

Stephen Ireland Aston Villa to Newcastle United – loan

This man certainly needed to be fixed up following the disastrous start he has made to his Villa career.  When he moved from Man. City, I for one thought that the Villains had done alright out of getting big money and Stephen in exchange for James Milner, however it looks like I’ve been proved wrong.  He has undoubtedly been a flop at Villa Park, but this certainly does not make him a bad player.  At times with City he looked like one of the best midfielders in the league, and if he can re-discover something like that form then he will be a huge hit at St. James’ Park.  Following the loss of Andy Carroll, Pardew might revert to 4-5-1 as the majority of talent in his team lies firmly in his midfield and certainly Gutierrez, Nolan, Barton, Tiote, Ireland looks pretty strong.  Also Ireland seems like he’s mad enough to enjoy himself in that set-up, so this move is getting…

Match Rating 7/10

Emmanuel Adebayor – Manchester City to Real Madrid – loan

I don’t want to simultaneously blow my own trumpet and highlight my inadequacies, but this was the one and only transfer I correctly match-made.  He hasn’t even given me a cut of his wages which I suggested in numerous e-mails to him, in fact he didn’t even reply, some would say rude.  I clearly think this is a top match, the only thing putting a spanner in the works is Madrid’s slight dip in form which makes it a bit of a difficult place to walk in to right now.  It does sound like Real only want him till the end of the season and he will have to do a hell of a lot to change their mind, but he can certainly give it a go.  Sometimes a short-term fling is good for all involved, so this deal gets

Match Rating 9/10

Adam Hammill – Barnsley to Wolverhampton Wanderers £500k

One of the stars of the Championship in the first half of the season, banging in eight goals from midfield, the majority of which being outrageous long-distance efforts that didn’t fail to catch the eye.  There were a few suitors circling around Oakwell trying to lure this diamond in the rough there way, and Mick McCarthy managed to charm him his way to Molineux.  Adam is quick, tricky, has a good final ball and as mentioned can score goals.  He has only shown these things at Championship level, but he’s only 23 and there’s nothing to say he can’t step it up to Premier League standard.  He could be just the spark Wolves need to drag them out of the relegation zone.  He’ll have to displace the likes of Stephen Hunt and Matt Jarvis which won’t be easy, but I still expect him to make an impact, so…

Match Rating 7/10

David Bentley – Tottenham Hotspur to Birmingham City – loan

I had a go at matchmaking David and I didn’t quite get it right, but as long as he’s happy, I’m happy and he looks to have got a positive move for him, and in turn for his new other half, Birmingham.  Dave’s quality is unquestioned, but he wasn’t getting a look in at Spurs and had to move on and the Blues were more than happy to welcome him in at St. Andrews.  With Alex McLeish often going for big men Cameron Jerome and/or Nikola Zigic upfront they are crying out for good delivery and Dave will certainly provide that.  He will probably also enjoy being a big fish again, as he was anything but that at White Hart Lane.  It seems like a smart match to me, so…

Match Rating 8/10

Gary O’Neill – Middlesborough to West Ham United – Undisclosed

Not the most inspiring of new couples that were forged during the madness of January, and you would have been forgiven for not noticing Gary’s arrival at Upton Park amongst the big name and money transfers elsewhere.  Gary is a pretty solid midfielder and is very capable of performing in the Premier League, but he isn’t going to transform The Hammers’ pretty woeful season.  He will join the ranks of fairly average midfielders that Avram Grant already has in his squad (Dyer, Collison, Faubert, Noble, Stanislas, Barrera, Hitzelsperger) I’ve not mentioned Scott Parker because he’s a very good player, but just another one that will be in front of Gary in Grant’s plans.  O’Neil and West Ham are fairly well matched, but it’s more because neither could find anything better and they’ve settled for something steady rather than the girl of their dreams, so it’s only…

Match Rating 5/10

David Wheater – Middlesborough to Bolton Wanderers – undisclosed (about £3m)

Dave was one of the most promising centre-backs in the country when he first got into the team at Boro, making it into a couple of England squads and being compared to Franz Beckenbauer at one stage, although I think this was a bit strong.  Boro’s relegation and his loyalty to stay with them in the Championship has set him back a little, but his talent is still there to be seen.  It was thought that he was being signed as a replacement for Gary Cahill, but he hasn’t got the big move that was expected so Dave is going to have to fight for the full time affection of Owen Coyle and make his way past Cahill and Zat Knight to get into the first team.  Owen isn’t someone to splash the cash without good reason though and I fully expect the relationship to blossom fully and Dave to be in the first team soon enough. Bolton have dropped off a little after their immense early season form but they’re still a club on the up and it looks like a good move to me…

Match Rating 7/10

Jean Makoun – Lyon to Aston Villa – undisclosed (between £4 & £6 million)

The next step in Gerard Houllier’s Villa revolution is to beef up their midfield with Cameroon international Jean from Lyon.  He started at Lille ten years ago and was a star of Ligue 1, attracting interest from all round Europe, but he stayed in France, with the then all conquering Lyon.  He wasn’t quite the success everyone expected, but Gerard clearly rated him highly enough to bring him over to the midlands.  Whether he is an improvement on the likes of Stylian Petrov and Nigel Reo-Coker remains to be seen and only time will tell, so rating this little match-up is not the easiest.  But having spent a fair chunk of Randy Lerner’s cash on the 27-year-old he is likely to get games and prove himself.  Gerard has a plan for Villa, it involves Jean and I just think it might work, so this new couple gets….

Match Rating: 7/10

So that’s your first ten deals discussed, there’s twenty more to come so don’t despair, come back in the next couple of days for the rest of the round-up of the winter love making.

Bonus Rant - Ian Holloway

Ian Holloway is establishing himself as a firm favourite amongst football fans up and down the country thanks to his comedic quips in interviews and also for the extremely impressive results he has achieved at Blackpool.  However, as much as he is the darling of the English football media at the minute, some comments are not so well received and highlight a level of naivety and hypocrisy that is apparent in the Tangerines manager.  

            Ollie has been extremely vocal, as always, in declaring that his star man Charlie Adam is not going to be sold during this transfer window and has been scathing of clubs who have declared their interest in his man, particularly Aston Villa.  He has said of the bid Villa made for Adam: "Three-and-a-half million for him, you're taking the mickey out of us. It's an absolutely disgraceful offer. And why is it in the paper and why are they talking about it?”

So clearly Holloway has taken serious issue with another club firstly making a fairly low bid for a key player of his, and secondly that club letting the news be made public.  However, this stand point didn’t prevent him making bids for and publicly declaring his interest in Adam Hammill of Barnsley, Bradley Wright-Phillips of Plymouth and Jason Puncheon of Southampton.  All three of these players are as key to their respective teams as Charlie Adam is to his and Blackpool are not thought to have offered more than £500,000 for any of them, significantly less than £3.5 million they were offered and described as “disgraceful.”

Holloway’s famous rants are obviously entertaining and spice up what can be dull and routine press conferences, but his thoughtless, unintelligent ramblings can offend at times.  Despite repeatedly saying how much he is loving life in the Premier League he cuts a bitter figure at times and is often moaning about things going against his side.  This seems bizarre as it is a minor miracle that a club like Blackpool are competing in the top half of the Premier League, and their Cinderella story has made them everyone’s second favourite team.  As much as Ollie has added some much needed entertainment to the media circus that surrounds English football, he needs to think before he speaks a little more, and show others the respect that he constantly demands for his own club.