Footballer Needing Love - Sebastian Larsson

This Swede’s got needs and they’re not being fulfilled at St Andrews anymore, especially not in the Championship, so it’s time for him to find pastures new.  But who’s going to be the club that gets his pulses racing again?  Let’s find out… 

Sebastian Larsson – Birmingham City

Seb has been one of The Blues’ main men for the best part of five years now, but their squabbles over money and Birmingham’s shock departure from the Premier League means that the couple have split in pretty acrimonious circumstances.  A love affair that started when Birmingham were Seb’s bit on the side from Arsenal seemed to be at its peak last year when the team impressed in their first season back in the top flight with Mr Larsson at the heart of things in their midfield.  It’s very much over now though as his contract has finished and Alex McLeish has well and truly put his things in bin liners and thrown them out of the bedroom window.  There will be no shortage of admirers of the Sweden international though, and expect his future to be back in the Premier League, but the question is, who will woo him their way???

Newcastle United???

Since January, when Seb’s relationship with Birmingham seemed to be on the rocks, Newcastle have been sniffing around looking to pounce.  The Magpies’ midfield is without doubt the best part of their team, with some real quality in there with the likes of Nolan, Barton and at times Gutierrez, but if there was a gap to fill it would be on the right flank.  If our man were to fill that whole and play alongside the three I’ve mentioned and also Tiote, who has been very impressive, then Alan Pardew really does have a top-class midfield on his hands.  It’s tempting to say that he will have at least one striker at the top of his priorities list, but with Seb available on a free it might be too good an opportunity to turn down.  Could there be love in the air on Tyneside???

Bolton Wanderers???

The Trotters had a very strange season in the end as they were lauded as a great team for most of it, but ended up finishing way down in 14^th after competing in the top half for the majority of the campaign.  One reason for this slump in form which was banded about was the loss to a horrific injury of creative midfielder Stuart Holden.  I’m not sure this was the only reason for the loss of form, but it can’t have helped and Owen Coyle won’t want this to happen again so bringing in Seb will provide competition for places and excellent cover if a similar situation occurs again.  Our man certainly suits Coyle’s passing style of football, and it will suit Seb after the long ball tactics at Birmingham, I’m sure he’ll enjoy getting back to his more Arsenal-like footballing roots.  It seems like a pretty good match to me, but will there be romance at the Reebok???

Queens Park Rangers???

Who’s this attractive young thing strutting her stuff in the Premier League all of a sudden, why it’s Queens Park Rangers.  Top Flight viewers might not have seen QPR for a while, but they return to the Premier League a wholly different proposition as a very wealthy and powerful club.  They won’t be splashing the cash a la Manchester City, but they will be able to compete with wages like no other newly promoted club, so attractive free agents, like Seb, might be just what Neil Warnock will be looking for.  It really depends on how Warnock is going to go about his task in the Premier League as you could say that with Taarabt and Routledge he doesn’t need any more forward thinking midfielders, or you could think that adding Larsson to that list would make them a formidable attacking force.  I think it’s certainly a match that could work, and it wouldn’t surprise me if it happened, but I just don’t think it’s the most likely.

So who’s caught our single man’s attention and are swapping numbers as we speak???

As I have said there will be plenty of interest in Seb as he is one of the highest quality free agents that you are likely to come across, and don’t rule out a move abroad for our man.  However, I’m going to match him to one of these three, and to be honest there isn’t much difference between the clubs and I shouldn’t think they’ll be finishing too far apart by the end of next season.  I would suggest that of the three though, it is Bolton who are the most progressive and if they sign the likes of Seb and Daniel Sturridge, then they will be competing in the top half again as they have been for the majority of the season just gone.  This is why I’m going to get Seb involved with them, because I really rate him highly as a player and think they’ll be a highly successful couple.  Come on now Mr Coyle, send him some flowers and ask him out for dinner.

Footballer Needing Love - Scott Parker

Football Matchmaker returns with a bang as the man who has become the Championship’s most sought after star is going to be fixed up.  There’s many a Premier League lothario that would love to take Scott back to meet their parents, but only one can achieve it, who will it be?

Scott Parker – West Ham United

If there has ever been one player that has not deserved to finish bottom of the Premier League then it is our man Scott.  His performances have seen him become a regular in the England squad over the last year and earn him the Football Writers Association Footballer of the Year prize.  There is still some love there between him and The Hammers as well, but a divorce settlement is going to suit them both financially and the end of the relationship is all but guaranteed.  The question is which of the many suitors for Scott are going to get lucky in the seedy disco that is the transfer window?

At thirty-years-old, Scotty might not be the long term prospect that some clubs might be after, but he’s still got a few years in him yet and there won’t be many of his quality around that will be available as cheaply, with The Iron desperately needing to cut their wage bill.  I’m sure you don’t need much help in looking for love Scott, but I’m going to give it you anyway…

Tottenham Hotspur???

Harry Redknapp has been lusting over Scotty for some time now, and like many a wannabe-wag is ready to pounce on the end of a relationship to get his man.  The rumour mill was whirring away with the speculation that Redknapp tried to bring in Scott last summer, and it is unlikely his interest has diminished over time.  The Spurs midfield is absolutely packed with talent, but it lacks a certain something that Mr Parker may well be able to provide.  The role that Scott would fulfil is, on occasion, filled by Wilson Palacios, who looked very promising when signed from Wigan but has proved a bit of a disappointment since and has only made 18 appearances this season.  I certainly think that Scotty would be an upgrade in this department, providing energy, drive, bite in the tackle and the odd goal much better than the Honduran, and would be the perfect foil for Luka Modric. With constant competition for places at Spurs though, you fear that Scott might not quite get all the games he deserves, and that could put him off a move across London to

White Hart Lane

.  If ‘Arry does fancy him as much as he seems though, it could just be a match made in heaven.

Arsenal???

Well this would be as surprising a match as Mr Douglas and Miss Zeta-Jones, but you never know, could prove to be as much of a winner.  Scott is certainly not Arsene’s type as he is not under-22, foreign and lacking the desire to win games.  However, the fact he is the opposite of those things means that he is exactly what The Gunners need, in what is a hugely important summer for the club.  Wenger really needs to make some big decisions during this window, does he continue with his failing protégés? Or does he revamp the spine of the team?  Well, in my eyes he needs to come out of his mid-life crisis when he constantly wanted the youngest models and accept that he needs some experience in the team, not just in central midfield, but that’s a start.  Scotty might not have the pure footballing talent of some of the Arsenal squad, but he brings every facet that they lack to the party.  He might not look like Cheryl Cole, but he cooks up a bloody good Shepherds Pie, happily watches Sky Sports and is excellent in bed.  Arsene Wenger, you know that’s what you want.  

Liverpool???

With the Dalglish revolution likely to be boosted with another large cash injection in the summer, there are certainly going to be some new relationships forged on Merseyside.  The form Liverpool showed in the second half of the season showed that they are going to be contenders again next year, and it will only take a couple of really good signings to give them a real chance of challenging for the title.  But is central midfield really the position they need to improve?  Meireles, Lucas, Maxi and Spearing have all considerably improved under Kenny and will all justifiably be aggrieved if they are to lose their place to a new boy.  The only midfield men that haven’t shone since the return of the King are the biggest names in the squad list, Steven Gerrard and Joe Cole, and you would think, Gerrard at least, will be given some more playing time next term.  Another time, this pair might have been a dream match, but it looks like The Reds just have too many other love interests at the minute.  This is unless Dalglish is harbouring some strong adulterous feelings for Scott, which we can’t rule out, as he possesses qualities that Kenny will value.  The quandaries of love…

So who is it that’s going to be combing Scott’s side parting for him in the mornings next season???

The three potential destinations I’ve offered up for Scott show the quality that the man possesses, and if he wanted to I’m sure he could walk into near enough any Premier League, but which one is best suited for him?  There’s no question that getting into bed with any of these three would be a much more enjoyable experience that the constant disappointment that has been his time at Upton Park, so it’s a win-win situation for Scott really.  What I really like the idea of, and who I’m going to match him up with is a move to The Emirates with Arsenal.  If he is not the only signing, and they bring in a central defender and another striker of similar ilk, then they will be strong contenders again for the title.  Going to Arsenal and being a key part in turning them back into genuine challengers and even title winners would be an incredible last stage of Scott’s career, which has been too long spent at clubs not winning trophies.  So come on Arsene, wake up and smell the coffee and realise what your team needs to improve, because our man Scotty won’t be on the market for long.